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not a good start

 Oh hi guys, it's me. Ten days in and I am losing it. Every day feels exactly the same, I feel like I am living the exact same day every single day. What is this? I thought the new year would actually bring me some new meanings in life and some new goals. Turns out it isn’t how I thought it would be. I feel shitty, I feel empty, I feel like doing stupid things just to fill the void, filling it temporarily. And then feeling guilty as fuck afterwards. What has gotten into me? I don’t know how to put things into words. These burdening struggles are hard to explain. Maybe it is time to seek help, but I don’t think I have the strength for it. I haven’t been sleeping, haven’t been eating well. Generally just really not minding whether I live or not at this point. But at the same time, I am scared. Scared of things becoming too real, scared that I will get stuck inside this void willingly, and not seek help. It's wonderful how good of pretenders we are. As we are among colleagu...
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a long year

 hi it's me i haven't blog that much throughout the year,  many things happened, many things i could've written, but i didn't It is getting harder now to pour my heart and my thoughts out in here Sometimes i feel like- what's the point anyway 2025 is really really a long year for me, I feel like everything is going by too fast, not waiting for me even for a second. I feel rushed but that's how it is, that's life God, it's a lot. Remembering what had happened makes me feel a little weird, sad , anxious, happy and hopeless at the same time. I don't want to write things that already happened here, just some life lessons I've learn throughout the year     1. Emotions are complicated, weird at times.  First you feel like you are holding in every anger in your body to a person for no reason, Second you feel bad , guilty , and questioning yourself if you are crazy. Sometimes you think about a person you loved and wish that everything is hopefully going ...
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what now

 hi, it's me  it's been awhile since Ive blogged To be honest, i am doing worse than I thought i would be. I thought after getting my scholarship, my life would be... happier(?), at peace(?),  Most of the time, i feel empty. I dont have the motivation to do the best as the reason why i worked so hard before is to somehow get good grades and get a scholarship. now when i am one, ... now what my life is already planned out and as exciting it is, I feel somewhat weird,  anxious. To do the best in something for internship opportunities? i already know where, im obligated to. to do the best to find work ? i am bonded with them  i know i sound like i am ungrateful little bitch, but im just taking a step back to actually realised that life is so weird. i thought when i already got the thing i want the most i be happier, at peace, happy. but turns out it left me out feeling, empty, no motivation, no where to go, no plan to plans, just follow things that already planned ...
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mother

 mother,  can i just ask why i know you had difficulties in life, i know you have been going through a lot of stuffs because of me, because i got born by you. I know your life is unfair, and sad.  take a look at my life and yours. A single child raised by single mother who worked hard to find money to survive, and paying bills. i lost my father by death when i was young, yours because he left when you were still young. we had no close siblings. I had "siblings" on my father side that doesn't even like me, doesn't even want me, hate me. You had your siblings on your father side too that you don't even know they're exist until after you've grown. You guys know each other, but carry on with each other life because you guys haven't properly met, and it feels fine without them, because you don't know them. Mine, I know. And it makes things even worse I played alone, you played alone. I cried alone, You cried alone. I hold everything together by myself a...
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really happening

  wow, hi guys it's been awhile, NOT because i dont want to write, but my laptop... broke 350 ringgit later, and the laptop is here ! guys, i have so much to tell, where do i even begin let's start with the most important thing  I got a scholarship guys !!! a maybank scholarship !! after working hard for so long, and a few of depressive episodes, i made it! i couldn't be more proud of myself, it was hard, a bit of a rough journey to get there, but i made it im so grateful, alhamdulillah  e induction camp, i was a little bit anxious before going since- well, i will be meeting strangers but i had the best time there ! so many brilliant peeps, i really really enjoy my time with them, going to see each other again at the bootcamp next year !! the reason why i havent been active these past 5 months is... yes my laptop broke and also- i was taking my break, in any .... social engagement, physical engagement... like i really took my time to rest because idk dude, last semester...
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barely living (im 20 !)

 hi it's me last entry was in may ? june ? Almost 3 weeks that I barely talk to anyone, 3 weeks of verbally silent. Life is so much harder these days, I'm starting to think maybe I am not strong enough for all of this. It's unfair, how I longed for things that most people have. Companionship, family, family members I longed for families, thought theirs are perfect when i see it from outside. Maybe there are things that i didn't know about them, the problems inside the house.  But they still, a family. Still have one another I am completely alone, No one to help, No one to --  // okay that was yesterday's part of blog, i didnt get to finish it because I just cried, after the last sentence I have no energy to blog, to live But today is my last night being 19, tomorrow is my birthday ! let me just picture the day tomorrow : 1. wake up 2. shower 3. study database engineering 4. eat around 5 pm 5. call aimar around 10 pm same goes like any other days I mean i know i shou...
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heart struck

// wrote this over 2 months ago hi everyone it's me yea as per usual, going to start my blog saying- it's been a long time since i've blogged. i miss it, yada yada i am overwhelmed by a lot of different stuff, assignments, my studies everything is fine though, i'm just really busy, that's why i haven't blogged but i always feel the longing to blog, but tonight i can't contain it anymore, can't hold it in anymore sometimes i wonder if the road that i'm taking right now is the best for me or not i wonder what if i had taken the other road, that leads me to a whole lot of different possibilities maybe more problems, maybe fewer problems i've caught myself reminiscing stuff, the one that was probably sent more than a year ago the one that happened earlier this morning the one that happened a month ago sometimes i wonder if the person i'm talking to, like normal people in their own daily life, has the same thoughts as me i wonder, are they really ...
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