mother

 mother, 

can i just ask why

i know you had difficulties in life, i know you have been going through a lot of stuffs because of me, because i got born by you. I know your life is unfair, and sad. 

take a look at my life and yours.

A single child raised by single mother who worked hard to find money to survive, and paying bills.

i lost my father by death when i was young, yours because he left when you were still young.

we had no close siblings. I had "siblings" on my father side that doesn't even like me, doesn't even want me, hate me. You had your siblings on your father side too that you don't even know they're exist until after you've grown. You guys know each other, but carry on with each other life because you guys haven't properly met, and it feels fine without them, because you don't know them. Mine, I know. And it makes things even worse

I played alone, you played alone. I cried alone, You cried alone. I hold everything together by myself alone, You too.

We are a lot alike, which makes me worry, if i will turn into you when I'm a lot older

because mom-

it's really unfair for you to treat me this way

the disrespect to me as a human, as a child

assuming things and finding things the most opposite way of what I'm trying to say

it hurts, when i don't even mean that way, it hurts when you don't give me a chance to talk, to explain, to calm myself and yours down for you to be just crazy enough to give me the most painful things I've ever heard.

but at the same time, I get it. i get why you assume things like crazy. Because you've been hurt, you've been questioned, you've been through a lot. But is that how you want to handle things ?  is that how you want to talk ?

you are wrong, and i know you know that. But you told me before, if you are wrong , don't tell you are wrong. Because You're a mother, You're my mother. because I'm your daughter. and i was supposed to not make you hurt.

really mom ?

only for that reason, I couldn't tell you, that what you did is wrong.

that what you did really hurt, that what you did talk to me about those painful stuffs shouldn't even came out from your mouth if only you didn't assume shit.

we are a lot alike, and i am afraid of it.

look, i know nobody wants me. i am a big disappointment since birth. 

people might say otherwise if i tell them this, and deep down i find it so hard to believe

you know why ? 

because there is no proofs of anything

i am living my life everyday, pretending that fact is always going to be with me. It's not something to be heal from, it's not something to be fix. It's just broken

but whenever these things happened, i am losing my motivation in living. Because i am not wanted, by my family, by my "siblings", my mother.

my mother has been in Indonesia for almost a month, she was asking me to buy her flight tickets and blablabla, we got into a fight

I usually just stay silent, when she was mad at me. I am not a person who cried in front of others. 

but when she "threaten" me saying she not coming back, what do you think I feel ?

What does she think she makes me feel ?

Does she ever think what she said ?

its ironic, really ironic.

I am alone here, and she threaten me , as if she not coming back

How small i am to her, is it that small part of her life ?

i know she has her own life there, her kids, her grandchildren.

Maybe i am not needed, I am unwanted i guess

But then as usual, she twists my words, put the blame on me, play a victim

I'm tired, I'm scared. I'm completely alone, and no matter how many billion times I said to myself that it is going to be fine. I am strong, everyday.

The end of this is i am always not going to be fine, things aren't going to be fine, and i am no where strong for things anymore

I don't know how many more nights for me to have this kind of feelings, this kind of heavy heart filled with guilt to everyone but none for me, this kind of thoughts that never seem to go away no way how busy my days are. 

i can't take this anymore