barely living (im 20 !)

 hi it's me

last entry was in may ? june ?

Almost 3 weeks that I barely talk to anyone, 3 weeks of verbally silent.

Life is so much harder these days, I'm starting to think maybe I am not strong enough for all of this.

It's unfair, how I longed for things that most people have. Companionship, family, family members

I longed for families, thought theirs are perfect when i see it from outside. Maybe there are things that i didn't know about them, the problems inside the house. 

But they still, a family. Still have one another

I am completely alone, No one to help, No one to -- 

// okay that was yesterday's part of blog, i didnt get to finish it because I just cried, after the last sentence

I have no energy to blog, to live

But today is my last night being 19, tomorrow is my birthday !

let me just picture the day tomorrow :

1. wake up

2. shower

3. study database engineering

4. eat around 5 pm

5. call aimar around 10 pm

same goes like any other days

I mean i know i shouldn't be complaining , it's just turning 20

Is it normal, that your birthday is just like any other day ?

or i just stuck in a fairytale, where people still make efforts and make them happy when it's their special day

or maybe im not worth it for that, im not worth it to be celebrated

reasons ? 

i don't know

thats what my head says

since last year there are a lot of changes

if i can be honest, lots of bad changes

im unhappy

here, studying here

im grateful i can " study " but in terms of happiness ?

no, not at all. and i don't know what to make it feel nicer, to make it feel better, i don't know

im unhappy, my mental health just becoming worse everytime, barely feel like living here

study, study, study, handle club stuffs, study

it's not like im not trying to have fun, i did, it just not working out

the people here, are so different, and it's no one's fault or anything

it's just, it didnt happened, it didn't click as much as i want to, and im partially glad because i cant keep up with those tiny unnecessary details of their life, like i dont want to know, i dont care.

i still have another 5 semester here, i don't know what will happened to me is i just stay here, unhappy, on the verge of going crazy, becoming depressed every single day.

i already look like a bitch, me not talking for over 3 weeks , make it for sure to them clearly that i am one

i dont care what you think of me anyway i guess now. If taking my time, my own space, doing my own things without bothering any one of you, makes a problem to you. then so be it. it already speaks to your character more than mine to be honest, because why the hell would you care

why the hell it becomes a problem to you when im minding my own business

isnt it fair ? i do my stuffs, you do yours, and did i ever once ask about your stuffs ? 

did i ever once being a busybody asking you about your personal matter ? or have you heard from someone that i ask other people about you ? 

no, never

so why would you do that to me, lol

well now this turns into an angry blog, im deep into my feelings 

i dont think i can finish this blog today to be honest, im way far from what i initially wanted to blog about, its fine ig, i can - continue this tmr, 

this has becoming like a daily night blog, and im not complaining