not a good start

 Oh hi guys, it's me.

Ten days in and I am losing it.

Every day feels exactly the same, I feel like I am living the exact same day every single day.

What is this? I thought the new year would actually bring me some new meanings in life and some new goals. Turns out it isn’t how I thought it would be.

I feel shitty, I feel empty, I feel like doing stupid things just to fill the void, filling it temporarily.

And then feeling guilty as fuck afterwards. What has gotten into me?

I don’t know how to put things into words. These burdening struggles are hard to explain. Maybe it is time to seek help, but I don’t think I have the strength for it.

I haven’t been sleeping, haven’t been eating well. Generally just really not minding whether I live or not at this point. But at the same time, I am scared. Scared of things becoming too real, scared that I will get stuck inside this void willingly, and not seek help.

It's wonderful how good of pretenders we are. As we are among colleagues and friends, the human responsibilities that live inside us play a part, asking us to just be normal, kind, friendly, all those good-quality human beings to the other person. Each one of us has different reasons for why we do it. Mine is for people to basically like me. With my bitchy-ass face, I already give them the first impression of me, and I don’t think that is the reason that makes them like me, so I have to be that way.

Cared too much, loved too much. Common stuff but always overlooked. I care for people; I have much love to give. Too much, until there is none left for me. Maybe that is why I’ve been feeling like this. But how, how do we seek love for ourselves?