a long year

 hi it's me

i haven't blog that much throughout the year, 

many things happened, many things i could've written, but i didn't

It is getting harder now to pour my heart and my thoughts out in here

Sometimes i feel like- what's the point anyway

2025 is really really a long year for me, I feel like everything is going by too fast, not waiting for me even for a second. I feel rushed but that's how it is, that's life

God, it's a lot. Remembering what had happened makes me feel a little weird, sad , anxious, happy and hopeless at the same time. I don't want to write things that already happened here, just some life lessons I've learn throughout the year

    1. Emotions are complicated, weird at times. 

First you feel like you are holding in every anger in your body to a person for no reason, Second you feel bad , guilty , and questioning yourself if you are crazy. Sometimes you think about a person you loved and wish that everything is hopefully going well in their life, but sometimes you wish them hell for making you sit through everything bad that they have done. Sometimes you love, sometimes you don't.  A lot more of these in this year that I am tired of feeling. And I'm just being honest, I don't know how to handle those, I'm trying to be better each day, but I am not sure what am i supposed to feel anymore. People around us will get affected by these emotions, it can drained them, can inspired them,, and stuffs. 

    2. Never give up even if you're dying

When i was in my first semester here, I couldn't think a day that i  didn't wish myself dead. The surroundings, the environment, the people are not clicking with me, and it was nobody's fault. The only thing that keep me going is to get a somehow good GPA. I was already heartbroken after foundation's result, my result was FINE. it's just that I think there are too many competitions to get a scholarship after foundation, yk. even when i studied my ass off, studying 12 hours a day. 

I looked at a senior of mine here, She's my president for my BASCO club, A Maybank scholar. Woah. I looked at the requirements and it needs a first semester's result. So I promised myself to get at least a dean's list. I thought there are many smart people, they would've chosen the ones that got a 4.0 first, at least for the first stage of the selection. So i studied really hard, with all the assignments that needed to be submitted all on week 13, 14. 

Point is that i always knew That is the only my last chance to get a scholarship. at least for me. I've tried so hard to get a scholarship after SPM, and foundation , so I figured, this is it. last applications.

A whole another semester of interviews, group discussions. Then, I was one of the 63 Maybank Scholars. Alhamdullilah

    3. Appreciate your loved ones

I am forever grateful for the ones who stay. Doesn't matter primary school friends, high school friends, dengkil friends, degree friends. I love you all, even if i don't look like it. 

To my love, I know we are friends before we date, and we were classmates... and you're a friend to my ex. ok but wtv. the point is, i love you more than i could ever say, ever show. I'm so grateful of you.  things you showed me, things you said, always be patient with me even though you have your own difficulties in life. I always admire you, how you can be rational in situations unlike me who's just hysterically reacting to anything. I love you, I love the future you have planned for us, and I can't wait.

To mom, even though you're not reading this. I love you, I hope you know even when i barely say it. We are a lot alike, feeding our own egos, anything happens it's just two of us. I'm sorry for everything

    4. Be Independent  (but I am weak at the same anyway , the worst ever feeling in the world. )

I was " called " by my "brothers and sisters" from my dad's side. Clearly, they don't like me and mom.  or don't want to have anything with us. my dad died when i was 11 and whatever. 

I , alone had to go Kl to meet them, 3-4 people somewhere  at a cafe to sign an agreement selling my dad's house that he bought for me and mom. with faraid shit, they won. i dont even want to get into that, but, after signing shit, i was ready to get the hell out. Only to be stopped by my brother, saying a really really hurtful shit.

he said , " Tanak biar benda ni lama - lama, kesian dekat abah. Abah suruh angah jaga adik, kan ada jaga". wow

when i already promised the shit of myself not to look weak in front of them, I broke the fuck down. crying sobbing, because he said that. As what i remember the whole part of my life when my dad still alive and when he died, it is just me and mom. Any hardships, any problems, any happy times , its just both. and he said that as if he did actually take care of me. wow.

wow.

his wife came, hugging me, say " its ok , u can visit us anytime, jalan jalan dengan kitaorang  ". 

oh wow?? i finally got invited to these family-doing shit after i signed these agreements. wow

it has been me alone entire time with mom, and you're saying like oh ! we always welcome and like u in our life:)

it sucks, because i see them with their (my) siblings, with their children having their backs for each other. eating together, go on vacation together. by the looks of it, they're bunch of some stable families, maybe you won't make die if you just let me and mom have the house that abah already bought for us. instead we had to rent. oh god this is becoming too detailed , i was just heartbroken, mad and sad. 

wow, so independent facing them alone, but how weak i am is something that you can't measured.

    5. It's okay, wanting to be alone - it's not a bad thing

Throughout all my life, as how I was raised. I grew up alone, playing alone. I'm used to it, I'm used to entertained myself with any stuffs that I can do in the house. But I also know that, being alone - for me, is dangerous. I am with my thoughts all the time without any other friends or people telling me otherwise, and that is bad. What if what i know was wrong and there's nobody to tell me that. But it is so hard for me to keep maintaining a really close friendship. One maybe because I don't want to be too attached on a person, because God knows how troubled I am. Next thing, maybe because each of us have our own life, own problems that we each have to handle. This kinda makes me feel like , scared ?

The friends that I have are just fine, they're good people. It's just that I feel like in order to have a like really healthy friendship, we have to respect each other's boundaries, each other's spaces. Mind your own business but still taking part to care for one another. It's okay to walk alone, eat alone. if it is to keep your sanity grounded, your peace uninterrupted. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I honestly have a lot more to say, now that I blogged like how I use to be, blabbering, paragraphs long, it makes me miss this. But don't worry, we can start again being active next year. 

I hope my " life lessons " will teach me, importantly on how to  live better each day on the new year. If any of you finds this a good thing for you to follow, then I am happy for you. Things that aren't pretty, take it as an advice to not repeating the same mistakes that I did before. 

20 year old me has been through a lot, I'm so proud that I am still alive ? my mental health this year challenges me, and the people around me. I have no idea if I am going to be better or just the same next year, I just hope that I am happy and at peace, most of the times. Been blogging since I was 15, 5 years in my online diary, I'm glad I'm doing this. 

Until many years of us more here , Oh and happy new year.