heart struck

// wrote this over 2 months ago

hi everyone it's me

yea as per usual, going to start my blog saying-

it's been a long time since i've blogged. i miss it, yada yada

i am overwhelmed by a lot of different stuff, assignments, my studies

everything is fine though, i'm just really busy, that's why i haven't blogged

but i always feel the longing to blog, but tonight i can't contain it anymore, can't hold it in anymore

sometimes i wonder if the road that i'm taking right now is the best for me or not

i wonder what if i had taken the other road, that leads me to a whole lot of different possibilities

maybe more problems, maybe fewer problems

i've caught myself reminiscing stuff,

the one that was probably sent more than a year ago

the one that happened earlier this morning

the one that happened a month ago

sometimes i wonder if the person i'm talking to, like normal people in their own daily life, has the same thoughts as me

i wonder, are they really being their true self? and how many of us are being the true us

and is it actually better to be truly yourself, or just to appear as true to people

and what is even true, these days

what if my true self is going to cost me over something that wasn’t even a problem before, but it suddenly is because i'm just being honest with myself, honest with people

what if - with me being my true self, it’s going to make me appear cold, secretive, a bitch

it would appear as such because i'm not talking. it's not like i don’t want to talk to people,

if we have work to do together, then i would talk.

i’m just not comfortable talking. it’s not my cup of tea

except if you’re aimar. i talk to him a lot, because it’s comfortable

i am tired most of the time, thinking how to act. thinking how to appear less bitchy

i think i failed, and i have no energy to try anymore

think what you think, as long as i don’t do you anything wrong

as someone who’s been keeping her circle small, it is becoming smaller day by day

no one’s fault in that, and i'm not blaming myself either.

this semester i did try to connect, try to appear less cold, try to be friendly

but sometimes, there are just things that are not going to work out

either,

the chemistry with the classmates/acquaintances,

the relationship i’ve had for a little while with other people

i used to think, why is it so hard to click with people

but after i gave myself a chance for it, and i went for it

i realised, i’m the problem

i’m the one who can’t be around people for a long time

i’m the one who can’t stand the topics they are talking about

or i couldn’t care less for it, and i suck at playing pretend, pretending to have the same interest

i don’t care. about stuff. about people. i don’t care about the silent competition you have with other people, just to prove you are better than anyone

okay maybe i do care a little, literally just showed it when i can just write that in a single line without missing a heartbeat

but i care to not care. does that make any sense

i don’t care, but when i hear about it, it makes me annoyed, like why do i have to hear about this

because, i don’t care.

i know people say if you don’t care about people, nobody cares about you

and that seems about right

and i think it’s better for me, this way

but there are people who i do care about, and even they barely care

so can you blame me when i am giving up on this matter

in fact, giving up in life

next week is the last week of my first year degree.

so far—

i told this blog a few months ago, i already made peace with it?

no. i lied

every time,

every time i think about getting out from here

this is not my place

really not my place

every day, thinking how much this place sucks and how i can achieve more than what i do here

and every same day, thinking how ungrateful little bitch i am

and even with my relationship right now, i am happy, there’s nothing wrong

maybe a tiny bit, when i was talking properly asking to get the same way

but instead, i got cold replies and i had to be understanding, every time

but in my head, in my heart, sometimes

i always feel such guilt when i broke a genuine heart that actually loves me deeply

   "To give you a peace of mind and heart, I'm pretty sure in an alternate reality, I'm dating you right now. We'd be watching Barbie at the movies together, dine together, laugh together, cry together, and love together"

   "You might have found the world i wish for you, syaf. All you have to do now is to be happy in it"

.....i feel such guilt

i broke someone’s heart and i feel.. who am i to do that

this person, who’d sent me those letters probably already moved on

and he did actually move on

but i can’t believe there’s a time in my life where that happened