what now

 hi, it's me 

it's been awhile since Ive blogged

To be honest, i am doing worse than I thought i would be.

I thought after getting my scholarship, my life would be... happier(?), at peace(?), 

Most of the time, i feel empty. I dont have the motivation to do the best as the reason why i worked so hard before is to somehow get good grades and get a scholarship.

now when i am one, ... now what

my life is already planned out and as exciting it is, I feel somewhat weird,  anxious.

To do the best in something for internship opportunities? i already know where, im obligated to.

to do the best to find work ? i am bonded with them 

i know i sound like i am ungrateful little bitch, but im just taking a step back to actually realised

that life is so weird. i thought when i already got the thing i want the most i be happier, at peace, happy. but turns out it left me out feeling, empty, no motivation, no where to go, no plan to plans, just follow things that already planned for me

i see this go in 2 ways:

1. this scholarship motivates me a lot more because finally no financial restriction, and i can reward myself in any thing

2. im taking this as a reason to be depressed, even when theres nothing even wrong with the scholarship, i am just empty inside even before this


i fear i havent use my youth in ways that i should, im scared if guarded myself this much, i be missing out on a lot of stuffs, a lot of frienships, a lot of experience, 

idk guys, its been busy and im in my feels

going to suck it up 

pretend this emptiness is not going to eat me alive. 


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