blog #115

 hi everyone it's me

wow, it has been a long... long.... long time since i've blogged, and it is may too right now, shit

time goes so fast, but what did i even been doing for the past months


i am doing fine, healthier, full of love, a little bit depressed but thats normal


the truth is- I always want to blog, I miss sitting and writing on my laptop, writing down my feelings

guess i just don't have much time to spend - to think about feelings, to even acknowledge things


life has been so much harder these days, ever since - idk forever

it's not like i wanted to sound like an ungrateful person, sure , all things have good in the end 

it's just sometimes it isn't fair


things happened, and i don't know if i am supposed to heal it or ignore it

i mean i know the best way is to handle with it- if it is only such a problem

but what if it's just a traumatic experience, a hurtful moment

it is not a problem , i guess, i don't need to deal with it right at that moments

but it is somehow corrosive, eating me from inside, breaking me down every now and then when i finally want to think/ deal with it


healing takes time, takes a lot of effort, and i don't have either of those

im torn, i should be working myself out - to become a better person each day

but I always feel like there's this huge giant weight is on my body, something that i should be dealing with, but never will

it hurts to deal with it, it hurts to think

and i also know that it will hurt when we trying to deal with it, but after sometime, it'll be okay

Guess i just don't have the courage, to even do anything


i guess I just do what i always do the best, ignoring these heavy giant weight until I have the balls to deal with it, oh and time


yea, feels good to rant, but it also comes with a side of anxiety, 

it feels like my head is to be crumpled like a piece of paper, straighten them out and the marks will always be there

im depressed, but it's easier to act like everything is fine, than dealing with it

of course theres consequences, 

there will be a time that i would pay for it I guess, and when that happens, 

i hope you can think straight, syaf






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