heavy heart but it's over now

 

hi, it's me

it's been awhile

to be honest, i don't feel like it has been a month yet, i barely make friends here,

i dont, feel any joy, just study

but i joined a club so i guess it's good, to have some friends

but im not talking about that, i dont feel like it

few days ago, i experienced a thing that i really- scared

is that the word, 

i don't find any suitable word for it

it's sad, but im glad it's over

im heartbroken but at least i don't have to handle it anymore

it's disgusting but i feel a bit of hapiness

when people ask me, i always say im an only child- when the truth is not

i have, other siblings

on my dad's side, mom's side, its complicated

but i am, an only child, i grew up alone, play alone, fucking yea im an only child

but not on paper though

i met my " siblings ", and i don't ever feel like they are one, how could i

they verbally said they don't like me when i was a child

but i don't know, i feel a weird feeling, almost like a bond (?), i feel like throwing up to even admit this

seeing how they have each other's back, makes me jealous. 

makes me mad, makes me sad

i know they don't even want me in the first place, to be their sister, me neither, but 

oh god how, disgustingly i am, feeling like maybe it's nice to have siblings, to be their siblings

i hate myself feeling like it, i hate myself, feeling sad because i can't ever have what they have

i hate myself feeling like i would be happier if i have any siblings, if i have some people to have my back on

i hate myself, yearning on - some family

i've been alone, all my life and i know it, i knew it

this feeling that comes within me just makes me fucking sad, 

are they being nice just in public or are they really being nice

are they really hugging me because they want to, or theyre hugging me just in public pretending to be nice

why now ? 

why after everything happened,

 when we finally on the same page, following their decision and ignoring what's in it for me as a whole, being so nice to me ?

because you got your benefits already?

oh how cruel of all people, they think theyre being nice in their life, but little did they know, the tiniest bit of their action would cost me, my whole stance.

giving me a tiniest moment of " siblings" hug broke me, because yet again they neverhave

giving me money now, when back then you don't even care about me, even now i guess

i been keeping it, and i just broke down now