blog #91

 

hi it's me, it's syaf

i was supposed to study tonight, i have chemistry exam on thursday.

but i fell down on those dark times that i kept saying myself not to remember anymore, 

and i didn't remember it, i didn't remember the exact words he said until what i can only remember now is just pain,

until i was cleaning my phone, deleting some useless screenshots, 

and i found myself right now, crying over the same texts he sent me, the same feeling i felt a year ago. 

i moved on, i found somebody who is so much nicer, but the feelings i feel has never been gone, right now i feel like i was 18 again, sitting on my bedroom floor, shaking and crying, breathing out of breath begging, for him to not leave me, begging for keep his promises,

" go away "

" find someone else"

" the only reason you cant find someone else bcs you afraid of something new "

" i loved you , im tired of loving, and giving attention"

"u wear lens tho, i prefer girls with glasses"

" cant you understand, i wont change"

" u can only pick one, u wanna be hurt or do u wanna break up"

" we fight one more time, i leave ok? and u find someone else"

and some other things even more hurtful, i dont even want to write

i wrote a blog about that this fight, 23rd june 2023. we wanted to take a " break " for a week, but i was too anxious and asking him to come back. then he say all of those things.

i was shaking, crying , sitting on my bedroom floor, i called mary, my bestfriend. i ranted to her, crying, about what happened. 

and that time she was in relationship with one of his friends, 

and then sometime later, he texted me saying " mary and foo probably gossiping about me "

" he avoiding me"

and then he said

" can you just keep it to yourself"

" why do you need to rant so much"

" what happened if you just stfu and hold it in"

and it hits me back then, still is when i read those back

at that time, i felt like i needed to rant. i need to pour my heart out in order to make me feel better,thats why i have a blog

but even when writing blogs did not make me feel better, i had to called somebody, i need to pour it 

i dont know thats who i am, im trying not to. not to be a burden to somebody just to hear my rants. im trying not to be a  burden to anybody, i know i am, and its worse when its being pointed out

im trying

i dont think about him anymore to be honest, but when i catch a glimpse of time back then with him, it makes me grateful of what i have now, yeah we are over, i was afraid of leaving, not because im scared of someone new, im trying to fix things, because i dont want my efforts being wasted, my love being wasted. 

and it makes me feel the pain all over again, the same pain almost a year ago. shaking, crying and i can't believe i made through it,  

i swear, i never want to be dramatic or anything, writing my heart out on here helps me to move on with my day and never think about this again, at least for tonight

but lately, i find it hard to even rant about things, 

i dont want to cause any fights, 

i just want to rant and that's it. 

its my fault that i have to rant about it, or else i wont feel better

i know it i get it

when i have disagreement, or when im mad 

for example like with my boyfriend,

i dont want to cause a fight, i dont want to hurt him, i never want to

but i

have to say something, not to him but on twitter

like i just want to rant about it, i dont want to cause a fight or anything at all

but we just end up fighting about it,

he defends himself, explaining what is happening

and im grateful for it, i really am

but sometimes there are some things that we are not the exact quite on a line, and we just fought

we said sorry everytime after it, but i feel so horrible

i feel like if its not because of me tweeting that, we wont fight about it

but what can i do

where else i can rant my feelings, 

my safe place was twitter and this, the blog

but i dont feel very safe anymore, i just dont want to hurt him, or to make us fight even more

i dont want it, i experienced it and it gets tiring everytime

and i dont want that to happen

i would rather to just keep it to myself whatever things i felt

but it's hard. it really is

i need some help, and i don't know where

i always feels like im such a burden to anybody

even when they say im not,

i feel like i took their time, when all im asking for is just their free time

i hate myself to even think like that

im trying to be better each day, but sometimes i fail, and it hurts 

and i just 

don't talk now

like literally, 

not verbally talking

and it worries me 

but idk, i''ll be fine ig

sorry this blog started off with me crying, then me ranting then me depressing

im so sorry i took your time to even read this , useless blog 

ya i dont ask you to, but still. you couldve taken this time to do something else ig, like studying

i was supposed to, but i got depressed so tmr ig