blog #87

 

hi, it's me

it's 3rd of may, 2024

i was just revising physics, i have final exam at the end of the month. and my foundation studies are over, and it is so surreal, i can't believe it

but this is not what i want to blog about. 

today, 8 years ago, at 7 am I lost my dad. He got stroke for quite a lot, but he got better every few months, and it happened to him again. I'm used to sleeping on the chair, keeping him company, but I was 11, I wasn't matured, and i wasn't really thinking. I used to do my homework on the table where the doctors used to check in on and about my dad. I'm used to it, since my dad had been sick since i was young, very young. like 8.

the last time he got admitted to the hospital, was on labour day. 1st may 2016. a week before that my dad already laying in bed, but it was totally normal for me, because he had always been sick. but on that day, towards around 6pm, my mother called ambulance, for my dad. I had "siblings" from my father's side, and surprisingly they came. I went inside the ambulance, sat beside the driver and sent off my dad. 

I waited for hours, until midnight outside the emergency room. My mother went in and she came back, she didn't say anything, so i can't make any assumptions. Then, my other relative who i don't really know who went in, and came out with the most horrible expressions of her face. and everyone was starting to cry, and i did, too. Even without nobody telling me anything. Few hours ago, I thought it was a normal day for me and abah to go to hospital, and now everyone was crying. 

i heard some of what they said, the doctor said to them, if my dad nazak, they won't do anything. they scared to crushed his ribs or something , idk, that was what i remembered. I stayed with my abah, beside him, fell asleep beside him. and next morning, many relatives comes to visit. 

2nd may 2016, 8pm, my "brother" insisted that he wanted to take care of my abah. and my mom thought, it was okay because i have school tomorrow. I managed to do my English homework, i have to send it monday. So we went home, i slept and i got ready for school.

My first subject was english, and just when i opened my homework to show to my teacher, my mother's friend was at the door. I had a feeling, but I'm denying it.She took me and we got to the office, to write my name. i went inside the car, and she broke the news. she talked to me slowly " abah dah takde ", and i was not really a crier, i have nothing to cry back then, but that was the first time in my life that i felt so broke down, so hurt, in pain.i cried on my way to hospital, and my dad already in bilik mayat.

I cried, I kissed him for the last time, and he was already, cold. mom and i hugged, but she was busy managing, so one time i sat on the chair, and cried alone. then there's this one woman came up and said " akak ada, takpe takpe". i don't even know her, turns out he's the wife of my first "brother". ill tell you more about her in a second. i can't believe my dad was gone, i still can't believe it now. 

next thing i know, im already inside van jenazah, and inside masjid. and at the kubur. it feels like a dream. i was 11, just 11. me and mom never cried about it to each other, no matter how sad we are both feeling it. I guess she wants to look strong infront of me, and i want to look strong infront of her ?

we only have each other, but i don't know, i never want her to see im crying , especially about my dad. 

im a dad's girl, im with my dad all the time when i was a kid. he's retired so he spent a lot of time with me, after sending my mother to work. I've been to his favourite roti canai shop, he bought me a bicycle, one time, i was 5 i want to play with my friends outside, but he didn't let me go play. then i merajuk, then he pujuk me by giving me ribena. my dad garang, but he has his soft spots for me, and how unfortunate i am, i was 11 , i don't get him well. 

To be honest, i really don't want to think about him, i don't want to think that he's dead. I don't even want to think he's not here anymore. I plan to think that he's just go outside for work, and it's been 11 years. 

I don't want to think because I don't want to miss him. I don't want to miss him because it's going to hurt, when reality hits me that he's actually not here, it hurts to miss someone who is not here anymore, i cannot her his voice, can't do anything. and it hurts so much when you cant weep and cry to anybody. Who else im sharing this kind of feeling, if its not my mom? but both of us are just trying to be strong to one another. so, this kind of hurt and sadness, are jus burried somewhere inside, until a reality come and hit and it broke me down like how i'm writing this blog. 

I miss my abah. but at the same time i don't want to. It hurts, it hurts so much to miss him. i feel physically, emotionally hurt and i don't know what to do unless pour all of my thoughts on here, in hopes i will feel better.

I'm a big girl now, and he can't see me. my abah always sends me to school and ask me to kiss him on the nose, i want to do it now. if i have given a chance, i would go back and just be nice with my dad. do whatever he asked me to. 

it hurts when you have nobody to share this feelings, i have to take it all alone, and instead of moving on and made peace with it, i just burried it down. it's hard to change it.

2016 was the year my dad always been admitted to hospital. and i have some good memories with my dad even when he's sick. like i eat his food, i eat his fish. i sleep with him. i love him

and if i get a chance to get to say things to him, i would say

abah., 

i miss you and i just want to be your little girl, and not handle anything alone anymore. i don't want to be strong, i never want to be strong. i want you to be here with me, seeing how im doing in life.

and im sorry. if my 11 self, wasn't how you want me to be, you would understand. i will go back in time just to spend more time with you, be better each day. and hug 

9 years, my abah left me with mom. mom was amazing, shes strong for us, and im trying to be the same too. 

but sometimes, its tiring- pretending everything is okay when i know, in anytime the reality will hit me and i just broke down. im tired. 

i think even after this breakdown, we're just going to pretend until the reality hits, again.

i don't think there's anything to do, to help me, to make it less painful.