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hello, it's me, syaf

a bit late in writing this week's blog. I'm just overwhelmed by the fact that I'm home now. 

it has been 4 days, since im home. 

and i have to say I'm glad that I'm home but I also have mixed feelings about it. 

pretty sure this feelings might be around for a bit. I just don't know what to do, I'm bored. 

for the past 3 days I have been knitting and crochetting back ! my long lost hobby yeah. i enjoyed making cute frog and teddy bear keychains. I hope i can make them pretty enough, because I'm planning to sell in uni :)) 

i don't know if anybody even wants to buy it from me, but I just do them now as a hobby. I found time to read as well. 

two days ago i met up with my nenek angkat. which is my mother's mak angkat ? yea something like that. there were 2 of them but one of them, i called her tokwok died when i was form 1. 

being home always reminds me of people who had left. left me. my dad, my tokwok. those two are very close to me. i don't have big families you know. I'm a single child, my mother is a single child, my dad's side is not very fond about me. i feel like an outsider if they are gathering around and there's me, alone. 

I have lost a lot since little, and i try to move on about it. it's not only me who have lost people they love dearly. But sometimes i feel like I've been to hard on myself. I didn't give myself a chance to even acknowledge that this is a real thing, that i am allowed to cry and mourn. I was 11 when my dad died, and 13 when tokwok died. Since i was a kid, I always go to tokwok's house to help her buy groceries. She can't walk, her legs were even smaller than her body. so she can't stand up at all. I always take my mother's phone and write down the lists of the things she wants. She's so kind that she made me feel like she's my grandmother. my actual grandmother. my grandparents from my dad's side were dead, and my mother's side- i only have a grandmother who lives in another country. 

So it makes sense, if i feel tokwok is my actual grandmother, because she treat me like her granddaughter. I still can hear how she sounds like calling up to me. how she smiles. oh god i am crying. being home sucks because i keep being reminded by the fact that they are all gone. i have no intention to tell a sad story about me and tokwok but i can't help it. I don't even know anything to write about when i started writing " hello its me, syaf " 

these just comes naturally and it's fine right, i can write whatever i want in here. I never thought this would be a consistent thing for me to do. Going in our 4th year now, yeay !

I got some happy stories though. There's this guy. He treats me so well, he even asked me to ride back home with him because he doesn't want me to get into the bus alone. that's sweet, he insisted it, insisted that i have to follow him. He practically listens to what I said and what I wants, and communicates well with me. We can communicate well what's bothering for each one of us and try to find a way to solve it. He comforts me, offering any help in any kind of things i've been going through. he's a nice guy but sometimes I just think, do i even worth all of these fancy and princess-kind-of-like treatment. it has been so nice and it weighed me to be nicer every time. though- its not a problem, it just kinda put a pressure on me because i need to be nice too, i ni suka merajuk but i have a temper also... a short temper k. not a long one. but I'm happier now. with him. 

i haven't meet with my bestfriends. My mary just done with her exams today and gonna be home on fridayyy. so hopefully we girls can meet sooner. I'm thinking a 7 days sleepoverrrr and gonna talk about lots of things, lots of TEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

a little bit update on 10:39pm. not everybody is here by tomorrow, or even next week. pergi kedahla, peri kelantan la. okay fine. part of me wants to be like an understanding friend. but oh my god, they did see each other one time after all of us last meeting, they saw one another, not me. and yea they probably have even more friends, more bestfriends. who even am i. i je beria wanting to meet them because yeah im a loner. dont have friends, i dont have close friends in dengkil, not because i dont want to, i just dont know how. and when i want to meet my bestfriends, a lot of things happened. i've been waiting for months and pretty sure it doesn't mean anything to them, because they have other friends, might not think about me anymore. it's my fault wanting to have a little get together with them just like how we used to. my fault hoping too much.

well i do believe myself as one of the "tea" for some people. probably my high school batch who i don't even talk to. But it's alright though, they're talking about my happy era so im fine with it. 

okay im gonna continue making crochetted bear keychains, if u want to buy, pm tepi

be grateful of what you have in life dear readers 

because you certainly have something that a person craves for