an emotional night

 

hi everyone, it's me syaf


i am feeling a bit emotional tonight.

months back i wasn't this happy, i wasn't this healthy.

i was basically just sad, the whole time

right after coming back from indonesia, everything did change

my relationship did not work out, and yea that was not the only thing I had. But at that moment, it was- something I truly had, I loved him and I loved hard, I did everything I could- to keep him, to love him, to show him that I love him truly, sacrifice everything i ever own- just for him


now, its 3 months after the break up. I'm happier, i do not have to beg and cry for the love i'm gonna have. Uni is fine, i am almost done with sem 1. Time really flies here, we are growing up so fast, yet I still haven't got any clues of what I'm gonna do. 


Do i have regrets ? yes ? i have so many what ifs but to be honest, I was on my last string. Am i happier now ? definitely. but just, sometimes when I think about the past,  about times where i cried myself to sleep every night just because i feel its unfair for someone treating me bad- when I literally did not do anything, i don't know what did i do, i don't know what is wrong. I just love and understand him everytime I could- yet all of it was never enough.

Is it a right decision to call it off ? yes, it is. because i dont think we could work it out anymore, at least me. 


I came across a repost on tiktok by someone I knew, someone I truly loved before. There's a bunch of videos saying regrets letting us go, or blaming himself for what he done. Though he should be blaming himself- i can't keep thinking about it, does he really need to blame himself ? yea he made me hurt, a lot but idk man, i would never hate him, its just- we are not gonna work out because I will never be enough for him


i have someone now guys, i don't even tell my bestfriends i have someone. hear me slowly okay. I don't think this is just a rebound. the more i know about this new guy, the more i like being with him. I'm scared of what people think about me, I'm scared if they are gonna judge me- perhaps you will judge me, but from my deepest heart, I can say I'm happy guys. i'm scared talking about it because I do care about what people think, but i just want to say im happy- here in my blog. This blog was never meant to be a permanent thing, but i guess it does. We are in our third year now and the main reason i want to do this blog is just having a place to talk, like a naked truth. I'm sorry, if you think i'm so desperate wanting to have a boyfriend, I am not desperate. It's just suddenly happened, and we are keeping it lowkey-very lowkey. think like how you want to think but I am happy, that's all it matters- right ?

a funny story, we were at picnic and this guy literally has a note of what he's gonna talk to me. he said he do the note because he forgets quickly and want to keep me entertained. oh how can i not melt. 

he's a gentleman, kind hearted man, funny, smart, put me first than anything else. oh dear

im sorry for anything bad you think of me, readers 

but im happy and very much in love

"new" guy ily


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