qayyum entries

hello, it's me syaf

my life is so fast paced here yet I am enjoying every seconds here. Tired but hopefully it's worth it.

today I feel like writing something, and it reminded me of someone, ( who is eagerly wanting to be mentioned )

tbh Qayyum is the first man I hate. ok very bold statement but its true. We met in high school when we were 13 and my first impression towards him was.... " why is he unzipping his clothes ?????????". yea. YEA. and i said to him " bole tak zip baju tu ??!! " but yk, i have a bitchy face so maybe it looks more mean. After sometime, my hate towards him were gone and we actually became good friends. 

little did i knew, he had feelings for me and he confessed. obviously when you are 13, you are confused and somehow gave a giddy response. It lasted for a week because i couldn't handle the gravity of people talking about us. We ended in a good term of a " trial " relationship i supposed. Despite after all that, we are still good friends. 

qayyum is a person who makes you enjoy talking to him. He is smart,  listens to people well, understands people well, responsible, caring, lovable. Actually he's one of the strongest people i know- despite all of the family challenges and struggles, he will make it through and he did make it through. It must've been lonely, to care about others when you want people to care about you too.

2019 was the year that I spent most of my time with my friends doing stupid stuffs. 2019 was the only year that I want to delete among others. It sounded selfish actually- might a lot of regrets in that year but at that time, i was happy, i was laughing with others and i had fun. qayyum was one of the important people in my life in that year. we did a lot of school projects together and through that process, i knew him better, maybe better than anyone else in that year. 

2020 was covid, didn't talk as much as we did for few personal reasons , well maybe i can write in here at the end but yea, i had a controlling boyfriend and he did not let me friends with other guys. 

2021-2022 he was gone, gone to a different school, i didnt know much about him because yet i again, i had " boyfriend ".  He aced SPM though, told u he's smart.

2023, well- we're in a same uni now, we're in dengkil. but what pains me is, we couldn't be close like how we were once. I really like being friends with him, but i have no more than that. Like a friend, like a genuine friendship, that's what I'm hoping for, him and me. I love being friends with him, but being in relationship- i dont know. He has good qualities and bad ones, I wouldn' t talk the bad ones here, but yea, i was hoping to have a genuine friendship. He had feelings for me again and I feel so bad to reject it, because what I'm hoping for is opposite of what he asked me for. He wrote me a very long confession letter and let me tell you, I really love it, I love it when somebody knows what he wants and he says it properly and seriously. I love letters and I appreciate it very much. This- pains me. I love all of those things but i cant accept him just out of pity, where I'm having a completely opposite feelings towards him. I thank you very much for the words and maybe you will love, hard. love seriously. love genuinely, for me. 

Frankly saying everyone, I don't know what I do, I don't know what to do. I don't even know why people even love me, I'm finding hard to even love myself. I don't know if I am a person who is capable of being loved. I don't know why someone can love me, what is there at me. why me? 

i am far from pretty, not that smart, not that fair, far from rich, not even have a family. not even have a complete family. being alone since birth, having a bitchy face, people just judge based on the looks. 

with pretty clothes and make up, it doesn't even make me feel anything. 

qayyum, if your feelings are real, i hope you will keep the love you have for somebody who is worth it. somebody who is worth your love, because you love hard- and i don't want any of my friends to experience things I had experienced- loving a wrong person. 

we are 18, very new to life. But 18 is just once in our life, you can decide how your life is going to be.

I did think about the bad side of you but I wouldn't . I wouldn't talk shit about you. 

May you have all the happiness you deserved in life Qayyum

and i did write a blog about you