stuffy

 


hello, 

i got a weird feeling tonight

as i'm passing my day with usual stuffs i do, waking up in the morning, studying, going out with new friends

there are still bits of me missing the life i had before. 

in every way it can be

the life with my best friends, life with only my mother, life where i was genuinely loving somebody and i fell hard, the efforts i had wasted, the love i had wasted

and people might think im just exaggerating things i felt. but it is what i feel, and i felt like this

its sad. that's the only word i can find to be honest. i miss my friends, i miss the life i had before. 

we are growing up, and its not gonna stay the same

but i just feel like im stuck in the past, longing for the things i had before

i lied. i did think of many what ifs. every single day, every single time i can

what if we never met, what if i leave sooner, what if you realised it sooner, what if i dont do things like this, what if i dont do that


god i really really want to just cry but i dont really like the idea of me crying, it hurts my head but it does making me look all glowy and pretty, but it hurts like hell

i still remember months before this, i cried myself to sleep everynight over the same reason and nobody would care. my mother noticed but all she did was just looking and be mad at me. 

and i pray for each one of you, hoping you wont feel what i feel, not to experience what i once was, i loved him deeply, i was deeply in love and all i ever wanted is just to make him happy, i dont care what it costs me, i dont care if its going to drained me, i dont even care if im going to cry every night, just to make him happy , just to make him stay. but i know these were not right, these were mistakes, i realised it, but all i ever wanted to do then is just to stay. 

because i feel like, what would i be the one to leave ? i had done everything i could, i loved him more than i love myself, love him more than anyone could. treating him so nice and all i get at the end is just a painful breakup ? is that what i deserve ? 

there is someone who lives on this earth knowing that there is one person who really love you and would do anything to make you happy, and yet again you treat like some kind of trash. why you dont appreciate ? why you dont love when you say you are? you just saying things, but you dont actually do. 


but ik what we experienced before was real. because if its not, you should be an actor


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