i feel like dying

 

Hello, it's me

it's 21st June 2023, 11:38pm

If you know me, im usually already sleeping by this time

but let me tell you a story tonight

my story because I couldn't bear it anymore, I dont know on who I can talk to, on who will understand

so i just write right here, hoping I will feel better by the end of the blog.

in a world where how im being raised up, theres a do's and dont's that my parent told. my father was a very scary person since i was little, my mother is very strict. you can say that i grew up dicipline because i was scared of my parents. 

one time I fell in love. hard. A love that you know it isn't for jokes, a love that would never be a regret for me, because i do love. and I really love. more than I love myself. A love where I dont care if my father come back from the dead just to be mad at me for loving him. A love where I could do everything just to prove that I really love.

we did have a relationship before but we ended it, he ended it, because he just dont want me anymore, he wants to be single. he ghosted me for a month then we called it off. 

it was a 9 month relationship, but sure it affected me so much. I weren't eating well anymore, I was looking for answers to my questions, what did i do wrong, is there something bad i did to him. But over the time i feel numb, i didnt move on. im just numb

but then he came back, he wanted me back, and i accepted him because like i said, i love him. 

he promised me that we take this relationship seriously, and we did. we do

truly he makes me happy, only with him. he makes me feel loved that i only feel when being around him. and i am so grateful for that

we both had been gone through so much together, either problems at school or at our own respective homes, no matter how hard the problem is we said we be together, it's fine. 

after spm week is done, we stay at home, not seeing each other that frequently. 

and it somehow changes the way he treat me, at least i feel like that.

boyfriend, did i do something bad to you ? did i ask for too much ?

yea i think i am being annoying because, i ask for you to call me and stuffs, spending time with me. but isnt that what we can do now. 

 when i ask for you to spend time with me, you dont want to but rather playing all night long with your friends

and im not mad about that, its fine but dont you think its too much when you treat me like im not someone important to you

im not mad, im sad. im just sad okay. when i see you rather having fun with your friends playing this playing that than spending time with me. im not saying you cant. you can and you did, where is time for me?

when i ask you to spend time with me, you got mad, you suddenly lose mood to play with your friends then i feel bad. i feel bad because i ask to you something that has been bothering me. something that hurts me but its fine, just play. because i feel bad. you got mad and i dont want that. 

at least spend time a bit with me, talk to me properly. what has happened. what did i do wrong, what else didnt i do. i played the game you played, im suck because i have nobody to teach me. 

i am not here complaining okay, i know already if you reading this you said im complaining im not. im hurt, im hurt because i do nothing wrong to you then why you treat me differently than before. 

you used to love me, used to text me like you love me, used to care about me. whta had happen now, even if i cried infront of you, you wouldnt bother, why

im so down right now because we on a break for a week, until monday. at least thats what he promised me. he said he wanna be single without me until monday, he said to reset our minds. to treat me better, to love me like how he were. but i cannot live my day thinking what if he really wants to leave after monday, what if hes reallynot coming back. then what happen after that ?

all my sacrifices, all my effort, all my patience waiting for him to be better each day is gone? 

i dont understand, how on earth someone doesnt feel any thing when you really make someone hurt, when you really make me want to kill myself. i love you so much, i have given everything, i care about you, i give things that i can afford to give. what else is wrong with me until you think its right to treat me like this. 

im scared you leave me after monday, i look at my phone every second thinking you will text me. i have never spend a day without texting you and i feel i wanna die. but i dont think you feel the same, why. 

seriously saying, if he really coming back after monday, if he makes me hurt, if he makes me feel like im someone he doesnt love, im killing myself. you know i have nothing to lose, my mother already have someone to take care of her, thats the only thing i think. others, i dont think so

and if you ever say to me, i je yang rasa like you dont love me, while you say you are. im sorry boyfriend but thats not how it works. it isnt love if the person you love doesnt feel loved by you. you need to make them feel like you really love them, like how you did before. you did it. you did it before.