goodbye

 

hello, it's me. 

yea i havent write in ages, not because i dont have something to write about. I have, trust me. I just cant seem to find the words to write ( very cliche but its true ). I promised myself after im done with SPM, i would write whatever ive been through to survive SPM. I edited pictures for it, i was planning to write from hari sukan, but i couldnt find any wish to write. i dont know why i want to tonight, i am bored, really.

almost a month since i come back here since a month in indo, a lot of things had happen. but one thing i know is i dont really text anyone when im there. they did text me but i just dont want to reply. i do feel bad and feel like im such a bad friend for not replying but i dont even know, im sorry. 

life after SPM is very confusing for me. I dont know what to do, i dont know what to think. my relationship is always on the verge of breaking up, while i did everything to make it stay, i couldnt have that much patience to stay any longer. i miss when we're still at school and we can talk things out everyday if we want to. its hard now. but knowing me, i wouldnt be the one who leaves even if you make me cry everynight now and then 

i would never hate you for things you had done or things you had said. I would never regret the things i gave or the things ive been through just to be with you.

its concerning, i know. even my bestfriends said i should leave. it happened so many times and they worried about me, and im grateful i have friends like them. they want me to be happy in my way but what can i do now ? i have been attached for a long time, and i dont want to feel any undeserving heartbreak, i just want him to be better despite all of the chances i gave, despite all of the things ive done. just to make him understand that i do to make him happy, so he will love me like how he said. im crying but it doesnt matter to him anymore. all i did now is to wait. i dont know how long. i dont know

i have the most kind and loving bestfriends that i wouldnt trade for anyone in this world. yea i know sometimes i tried to brush it off saying " not like we're not gonna see each other after this" , but the truth is that i dont want to think i wont meet you guys anymore. mary, weena , syira, you guys are the one yang peluk syaf whenever i need it, the one who brings me comfort and i have never feel like we shouldnt meet each other anymore. i dont know how are we later on but oh my god, i dont want any other friends, i love you as much as my heart can fit, i am crying right now, thank you for asking. our mothers are great too, especially mary's mother. mama, i just wanna say thank you for everything you gave to us, let us stay there, sleep there, that was the most fun time i ever had. thank you for your advices, i honestly wanted to cry when you say smtg to me while u straightening the hair, but i dont want to make a fuss. yes all the mothers arent the same, so i thank you for understand what i need, my mother advices are great but yours is the one i needed. my loving bestfriends, no matter what happened after this- I wish you happiness in every single thing you do in your life, just know that ill be here no matter when you need me. 

i remembered an old friend i have. the one i can relate the most. the one that i really want to hug and tell her to share with me the things you cry yourself into. im may cant say a suitable word afterwards, but i can cry with you because i would never want to see you cry, no matter what are the reasons are. even if we were 13, i have loved you ever since and i promised you the things i say here is true. i miss you and keep wondering to myself that what would happen if you are still here with us, it would be so fun. but i dont blame you if you wouldnt want to be my bestfriend or even a friend to me, i know i shouldve do something about us, say sorry or anything, i also dont know why i acted like that, i just wanna say i miss you and i think oftenly about you. 

yesterday i talked to some people and it lighten my mood. im started to feel nice but i know they wont talk to me everyday. but i thank you sm. 

i used to have a nice friendship with some people, just a friendship. nothing else. i know my boundary if i ever had a boyfriend. but i wouldnt blame him either, i was once like that. i just miss some moments, some friendships in my life. knowing i wouldnt experince that one more time, but its nice to feel once. 

i love you since i was 15 and i have no reasons why. and when i love, i love-

deeply in love with you

and i would do everything i can just to make you happy, make  you feel loved

but i dont know if i give you everything i have, it wouldnt be enough

and what's left for me is nothing, not even a love for myself

i dont know what do you want more, i dont know what you want me to do anymore

i just want you to love me, i need someone to love me

i played the games you play, do the things you do

im not that kind of person who plays game. im really not. im bad at it and i hate it,and i do because of you

what else do you want more

you can ask me to understand you and i am, i did 

i did understand you

i dont feel appreciated, i dont feel loved, i dont feel happy, i dont feel you're sorry about things you had done or said. 

and what make me hurts is you can expect to be okay in 1-2 days. im tired. im done. i need someone to talk to, i need someone who wants to talk to me, i need someone who loves me as the same way i love them or even more, i have given everything and i explained everything, why you wont understand. why do you stop making efforts after you get everything you wanted. 

i dont think you realised the things you said to me few days ago is really really 

really hurt me. i cried everyday but do i need to say to you that i cried everyday because of that, its just gonna make you annoyed of me. 

saying sorry may do something, but i dont see you love me though. what can you do to win me back? i dont think you have efforts for that and it hurts me. because you did say to me, you expect me to stay even if you ignore or hurt my feelings. oh god, and im so dumb i am gonna stay even if you hurt me. but god, i do everything already, why you treat me like that

im sorry if you feel i deserve to be treated like that. im sorry i rant it here, i still love you, i would never hate you.

this is what i can came up with tonight, i am crying when im writing this so excuse the grammar or spelling errors. 

goodbye