27th march 2023

i am numb. i almost give up on us. i said it. its tiring to see that in this relationship is only one sided love. 

we love each other.

why i can try my best to make you feel loved and happy 

but when it's you, it is so hard.

i am trying to understand you that you cannot do stuffs that can make me happy

but why

were all the things that you did just a lie ?

i dont understand any single thing

where did i go wrong

each day, i feel like you are apart from me and i cannot do anything

i am trying to understand that when im trying to explain my feelings for you to understand, you take it as a nag. bcs your're father always nags to you. i understand that. 

but does it mean that i cannot 

explain my feelings to you?

i explain because i want to have a deep conversation about us, whether i am right or wrong. i explain because im scared of certains stuffs, im scared losing you. i explain because i dont want you to think others that what i actually feel.

i am not explaining stuffs for us to fight. please be mature. im explaining stuffs for us to talk about it properly.

i havent cried because of you in awhile, and now i just cried ever single seconds when im thinking about you. i love you but why. why i feel like you bored of me, what is wrong with me. what did i do wrong until you have to treat me like this. what did i do before. 

who is ever be enough for someone?

there would never be

i feel so hurt right now. i feel hurt when i know, that having me in your life is just a burden for you, you want me to go away while i just want to be with you. who is not going to be hurt ? i dont know what i do wrong. 

the last date where im mad at you? i am not mad, i am just being sad. im going away in 2 weeks and that is probably the last time we meet each other, and its our anniversary date. of course i am being sad when you literally said you want to go back home early and sleep. as if i took your 5 hours during the day to sleep. on our anniversary date too. who isnt gonna be sad sayang. at least you can show that youre excited ?

but you twist it, you said i want you to be what you do not want to be. im crying so hard. im not asking you to be what you dont want to be, its just- am i only your friends ? you keep saying you want to go back home. can you imagine what my heart feels ?

you are the most important people in my life. but i understand if i am not yours.

i keep thinking about you, about what you likes, do what you want. you dont ask for it. but i do it because i love you and i show you my efforts. 

and when i say like this, you just gonna say i want you to be what you dont want to be . 

you dont want to love me ? is that it

youre losing your feelings?

but what did i do

all i ever want is for you 

to talk to me properly

and yes you are. 

i bet you're gonna say whatever you do is not enough to satisfy me

and yes it would never be enough

i want all of you until we're old and wrinkly

seeing you right now, reading the texts that you reply me making me feel like

you dont love me anymore. you replied me just bcs terpaksa

that's what i feel.

i said sorry a billionth time

i understand you, and i let you be what you want

but you know who is dying here

i am dying here. 

i miss the way you treat me

i want my boyfriend back.

i am dying here begging for someone who is already did love me, to love me back.

i rasa macam nak mati, termakan hati

do you only you can do like this?

i can do it too

but i would never do it because i know it would hurt you eventhough you said you dont care. 

it would hurt anyone

so do i deserve this, what makes you think that being like this is a good idea

it hurts me, if you care

and the way i wear clothes also a problem ? the things that i give you as a present also a problem now ?

who is the one that complains a lot now. i am so sorry. im not rich, that i can give you expensive stuffs. 

im sorry if when you opened the wrapper, its not the one you wanted

clearly im not the one for you. the way i wear like i macam pegi pasar, i am 

so sorry.

my bad to think, you're going to love me in how you say it. i have given everything, just for you to love me. so, please just love me

we cannot just pretend it never happened. so please, think

think that are you really wanna be here

bcs i really want you to be here but i dont know how long i can just makan hati like this. 

if you want to be here, please love me like before, text me like how you love me, talk to me like you love me. 

if you dont, please think again about what we have already been through, 

please do your decisions before one of us tawar hati and called it off

 i dont want to called it off, but if im just going to live like this for a long time, would be too late for anything. im numb

im sorry i rant here . nowhere else i can rant

please read this in a soft tone, im crying when i write this.

come back to me love. i miss you

i cant