till my hair and bones fall apart

 

been so long since I've written a blog. I miss doing this every once in a while. It's just I don't really have time for it or when I do, I used it for something else, something that I thought can bring me comfort but maybe it's just an illusion that I made up or we made in order to ease our hearts- with lies. It works, it really works- to pretend where everything is fine and you don't mind anything happens and you're living your best life.

The last blog that I wrote was 2 months ago - still depressing blogs. I think this place is just for me to write everything I want, the place where I won't make anyone annoyed by what I'm talking about, the place where I thought they really are listening to me even if there's no one here. Kind of my safe place and yet it's quite heartbreaking. 

My life throughout this year is full of emotions and stressful academic validations. The best thing that happened is I got what's mine back and I'm grateful for it, even at some times - it brings me a slight confusion in life that makes me think if I really want to go on this way, he brings me comfort, happiness in life which I never feel with anyone else. Though I may do everything in order to not lose another person in life, doesn't mean my feelings and opinions does not valid. I love hard and when I do I'm just scared if my affection and 24/7 feeling needy for reassurance would make him bored and annoyed and somehow will lose the feeling. Is this a symptoms of attachment issues? I think it is but somehow this only occurs to him but no one else.

recently, things happened that make me so devastated, unmotivated, and depressed as hell. But in order to get the affection that I deserve, I need to pretend to be okay first then people will eventually talk to me, and love me. As if it's illegal to be unmotivated, and depressed but still have the feeling of talking to a person. Have you ever felt at random times, you're sad, you're unmotivated, you just don't want to do anything but you still want to be accompanied by a person who loved you, who brings you comfort so that then you can feel at least your life has something for you to be happy about.

what I just wish right now is to let me keep whatever that's left on me and please stay. I'm scared of people leaving but most of them did. I don't know what went wrong, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. What I know is I just felt sad and unmotivated for the past days for the same reason and the thing that happened yesterday was not helping. I know it's my fault, I don't mind if it's genuinely my fault, but as a person that screams " sentiasa melakukan kebaikan " I don't really agree with what she did. Judgments are fine but sometimes they're overdoing it. I'm ashamed and yea okay I shouldn't be doing that. that's why I'm sad rn.

health.. health.. I'm fine I think. as the titles say, and by my appearance I guess people already knew. I'm not even past 40 kg and I don't know, I'm fine with this. Health shouldn't be a big matter after all.

I should be studying mathematics and sejarah but here I am spending 30 minutes here. But I feel a bit calmer than the way I felt when I wrote the first lines. 

to a person who stays, thank you, just thank you

i guess now what I just have to do is 

just try to keep living in each day until my hair and bones fall apart