it was my fault , i think ?

 . . . the thing where sometimes you just cannot stop to think about

um hello guys it's me again . THE MAIN PURPOSE I want to write a blog is I want to write freely about my feelings , my thoughts , my ideas , my daily life , I wanna be truthful , no fake stories , no hiding emotions , it's me , myself , I am like this . Before I start writing , I don't mean to talk about anyone specifically here , it's just you are or were in my life . Tell me if you're not okay with this , I can delete this back , or maybe if you don't want to talk to me , you can ask somebody else to do it so . 

Okay , where to begin , let me describe myself first , specifically what I am last year , I'm a person who really needs attention , from anyone who shows to give them , not to random people la . I don't know why but I feel all alone , cold , mad , left out , boring , pathetic , unattractive , stupid , and many more that I don't want to list all of them here. Then , all the feelings were going on for so long *until today* , but there was someone who . . idk maybe he's just bored and want to try something or someone so he approached me , then I thought by myself  " this guy must be joking , right ? even I don't know which class he is from , what does he want , ugh , I don't want to be so close to him " , but after a couple of conversations , he seems to be nice . he is nice , not gonna lie about that .

We continue chatting and not too long after that we became a thing ? , oh gosh so cringe, I'm cringing about myself haha macam tak biasa  , okay skip that part , I really don't know what I am doing or thinking that day because you know , after he's showing all the attention , I became too attached , too clingy , too overthinking which I admit it , it is my fault to feel like that , because we're only 15 , we're kids , I shouldn't be too serious kan , I shouldn't be in a relationship pun , but I did , and I would say it . . it's fun . It's fun when you have someone to talk to for every single day , it's fun to have calls while doing homework . It made me feel like I'm not alone anymore , warm , butterflies.  But ,I would say we have nothing common at all , like I sleep early like sharp 10 p.m , while he sometimes just woke up , how to communicate with him ya rabbi . Lets just say that , we're not even have the same topics to talk .

After a couple months by , okayla when mco 2.0 happened , we didn't go to school right ? , so I don't have any topic to talk to him , and he didn't talk to me as well , as I said before me and him have nothing in common right so it's hard , I tried to watch whatever he watched , listened to music that he likes and it fails because I don't know , he's a dry texter anyways so the vibe wasn't there , at least I tried to do something , my efforts .So because of " nothing in common " , we didn't really talk that much , and it hurts , because I feel left out just like dulu , I know he doesn't have to make me feel special ke apa . he doesn't have to layan me every single day but I just feel that way ,  until one point , I just didn't text him . .  I'm the one to do so , because I , I don't feel appreciate enough . Thank god , I have a friend which I really close to him until now , He really just my friend , my bestfriend I would say , he knew everything and he chill-ed me out , you know who you are right ? thank you  . Idk if you guys reading this will understand me , but what I'm writing here is only 40% of it .  so back to my story,  I thought he would say something to me , because like the day before I didn't text him, we just had a normal simple English standard 2 conversation , and the next day we stopped talking , and it continued till 2 weeks . . and I freaked out , I thought I made him mad , I obviously didn't know the actual reason to make him mad , I didn't do anything. 

So I sent him letters , not handwritten la , they're pdf , letters are normal in our relationship that time , I even made a wattpad story which consists of my unsend letters to him , but I still don't send them , let them be in wattpad ,no ones gonna read that. But it was only me who sends them , okay anyways , he didn't reply any of my letters . So I'm okay with it not even mad , because it was me who started of all this right ? so it was my fault . Whatever it was , on 30th december last year I texted him after for so long saying that what happened to us because I think it has been a month of not talking , I sent him a very long text on whatsaap of course , and I just went to sleep . The next day , I received a reply , which actually he already responded last night , okay moving on, we talked about for 5-6 lines? , and we broke up , instantly on 31st December , the last day of 2020 , great , very easy isn't it ? , fast , simple and effective , right? 

That's all I wanted to share with all of you today , I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't have a partner , it's about your life , if you think you have found the right one then just be nice to each other and keep it well and serious and success together , if you don't want any partner yet like me , then carry on girls , boys , we deserve this time by ourselves and focus on what we love and what we should do by right now . Just take care okay ?

Lastly to my wonderful ex-boyfriend, I don't even know you're gonna read this or not , I haven't block you yet but let's just keep in this way , no more talking to useless , shitty things anymore , you carry on with your life , same for me as well , I don't mean to talk bad about you or whatsoever but I just need some content on my blog , but if it's uncomfortable , then I can take this down , you can ask your friend to tell me so , I hope we're just nice to each other even though we're not talking anymore ? , I hope you study well ,eat well , sleep well , watch anime well and get excellent grades after this , I'm sorry for bothering you for the past 9 months , I'm really sorry , I shouldn't be too attached , you can remove my letters from your phone now if they're taking your storage , I should've done them in drives . Don't be insecure by yourself , you worth million times but maybe not for me , there's someone for you soon . Don't be afraid to tell your ideas , your thoughts , they're matters ! , and keep on listening to Corpse alright? 

Well I think that's it , I hope you enjoyed my 15 year old love story , don't worry this will be the last love story for me then , maybe another 10 years more , it will be the real one . Goodbye for now , thank you for reading my blog ^.^ .